From one mother to another

So this entry is for a woman who has been monumentally instrumental in my life. A woman that I draw strength from when my own has deserted me. A woman that has taught me how to love unconditionally and is always on my side no matter the situation. A woman whose individual strength of character is an inspiration and a woman that will always be, regardless of any human frailties she may possess (as we all do), perfection to me. My mother...

Through all the twists and turns of my life so far, the wonderful highs and terrifying lows there has always been one consistent, my mum. She will celebrate my achievements with me, never taking any credit for herself and she will pick me up when I am on the floor and feel like I cannot carry on. She has never judged me for my actions or decisions but has only listened and supported me, in the sure and certain knowledge that I am indeed the master of my own fate and that I know what is best for me (even when it may appear to everyone else that I don't). She believes in me and never doubts that I know what is right for me. This type of support is rare, especially in a parent. To allow your child to forge their own path, to make their own mistakes and to stand back and allow them to do this, only providing support when it is asked for, takes a very special and unique person. And this is my mother...

Through her love and support she has taught me about the kind of person I want to be and the kind of mother I want to be to Emily and for that I am eternally grateful and truly blessed to have her in my life. A very long time ago I heard a song that struck a chord in me because it reminded me not of a romantic love (as I think the song was intended to portray) but of a love far more important to me, the love I feel for my mother.

"For all those times you stood by me 
For all the truth that you made me see 
For all the joy you brought to my life 
For all the wrong that you made right 
For every dream you made come true 
For all the love I found in you 
I'll be forever thankful  
You're the one who held me up 
Never let me fall 
You're the one who saw me through through it all 


You were my strength when I was weak 
You were my voice when I couldn't speak 
You were my eyes when I couldn't see 
You saw the best there was in me 
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach 
You gave me faith 'coz you believed 
I'm everything I am 
Because you loved me 


You gave me wings and made me fly 
You touched my hand I could touch the sky 
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me 
You said no star was out of reach 
You stood by me and I stood tall 
I had your love I had it all 
I'm grateful for each day you gave me 
Maybe I don't know that much 
But I know this much is true 
I was blessed because I was loved by you 


You were my strength when I was weak 
You were my voice when I couldn't speak 
You were my eyes when I couldn't see 
You saw the best there was in me 
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach 
You gave me faith 'coz you believed 
I'm everything I am 
Because you loved me 


You were always there for me 
The tender wind that carried me 
A light in the dark shining your love into my life 
You've been my inspiration 
Through the lies you were the truth 
My world is a better place because of you 


You were my strength when I was weak 
You were my voice when I couldn't speak 
You were my eyes when I couldn't see 
You saw the best there was in me 
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach 
You gave me faith 'coz you believed 
I'm everything I am 
Because you loved me 


I'm everything I am 

Because you loved me " 

Going it alone...

I know it's been a while since I last wrote but a lot has been happening and most of it I didn't feel able to share, not until now anyway... 


So I am now officially a 'single parent'! And what have I learnt so far in my limited experience of this new situation? That going it alone is hard, maybe an obvious reflection but so true. The complexities of relationship breakdowns are multiplied by the addition of children. In reality when most relationships come to an end there is a very real chance that you will never speak to or come into contact with your ex ever again. However when you have a child with someone this changes the dynamics considerably. 


I do not wish to share everything, most being extremely personal to myself and Gavin but needless to say we came to the painful conclusion that we could not continue living together. I guess sometimes in order to fix what is broken you have to step back and see it from a whole new angle and that can be hard to do when you are constantly in each other's space. But as I have already said in a previous blog, 'There is nothing lost, that cannot be found, if sought' and I truly believe this. It's just maybe you have to look for it in a different way...So although Gavin and I may have closed this particular chapter of our lives, characters can return to a story at any time. You should never assume that you know the ending to a good story because you may be pleasantly surprised by the twists and turns that occur. 


Anyway enough metaphor bashing. What are the realities of single parenting? Well the sudden realisation that whereas before there were two of you to do everything, now all that 'everything' falls to you. I am truly exhausted by the aloneness of it all. That is not to say that Gavin hasn't been around, he has of course retained a very close relationship with his daughter. And I am aware that for him this whole situation is doubly hard, being away from Emily is heartbreaking and he is handling it with a strength of character that most, I fear, do not possess. I myself am not sure I could deal with the situation so well were the tables turned. To add to the aloneness and exhaustion is the financial worry and the endless form filling, spending everyday carefully watching your bank balance and praying that your claim comes through before all the direct debits come out. Trying to figure out what you are entitled to and spending ridiculous amounts of time 'on hold'! Sleeping alone in an empty house, that's tough! Knowing that you are the only person that stands between your daughter and an unwelcome intruder. 


And all the time you are battling through you are also desperately trying to keep a sense of normality for your daughter's sake and well for your own too. Life doesn't stop just because you don't feel like joining in. Take College as a prime example, I still have classes to attend, assignments to write and these are just as important especially if I am going to change that conditional offer at University to a firm one come July. Another tricky part is fielding the constant questions of 'where is daddy?'. I mean honestly how do you explain this situation to a two year child? Answer, you don't. We told her that although daddy has gone to live with Nanny and Grandad, that he loves her very much and will always be around and left it at that. That's about as much as she can understand at her age and being the product of a parental breakdown myself I am not so sure that being her age isn't better really. Being SO aware of what is happening around you, to your family is not always a good thing. Besides, amazingly, children seem to adapt very quickly and I am certain that she will be over all this long before Gavin and I are.


And on a more positive note I have a new found admiration for all the single parents that I know. My mother being one, raising three girls alone and trying to hold down a full-time job at the same time. My best friend, my aunty and some of the wonderful women that I attend college with. I draw strength from their experiences and their assurance that with like so many other things in life, a little bit of time, it will get easier.  

Change...

Change is a certainty in life, we can always rely on this! But what about personal change? 


Well there is a saying that goes something like this, 'You cannot help those that will not help themselves'. So personal change, personal growth or whatever you want to call it, has to be down to the individual. I guess the idea is that all the changes we make (and stick to) are born out of our own desire to change and not because we think we should for someone/something else or because someone/something else is pushing us into it. Admittedly I think another person/situation can be instrumental in us wanting to change, their desires, thoughts, needs and wants can guide us in our decision. However to truly change, to alter your life or who you are, that has to come from within. So regardless of what other people may think or say or want, unless you think, express and want all those things too then you are (it seems) eventually doomed to fail and revert back to past behaviour. 


So what happens when a person really does change, when this change comes from a place of self-awareness and an understanding of who/what they want to be? Well it should be acknowledged of course! Society, I think sometimes has a tendency when a person makes a big, life altering change to look around for someone else to congratulate. And as I said before I believe other people can be instrumental in us wanting to change, they can guide us and support us but ultimately the responsibility falls to us and thus so should the praise too. To heap praise onto others or to make them responsible for change in another, is to take away from that person what it is they have achieved. Personal change can be a challenge full of endurance, introspection, self-sacrifice and at times even self-deprivation or humbling of the spirit. It is a battle of wills, between the old and the new, the DEVIL you know and the ANGEL you don't.


So when a person has made this huge change, rather than looking to the people around them, look to them. Congratulate them. Because to do so is to validate everything they have fought, struggled and strived for. In heaping praise on others, for another's choice, is to undermine everything they have done. And yes we are all adults but we all still need validation from time to time and especially from the people that matter the most to us, our loved ones. Besides the thanks and gratitude for support should come from the person who has received it, not from the people around them.  

The night is darkest just before the dawn...

When so much of your time is taken nurturing the relationship you have with your child/children, it is sometimes easy to forget that there are other relationships that need nurture too.

Having a child will definitely change the dynamics of daily life but most importantly it can impact on those relationships closest to you. Particularly the relationship you share with your significant other.


To begin with, after a baby is born, it feels as though there is no time at all. Each day seems to require at least an additional half a day tagged on the end just to get everything done. It is like you have literally been dropped full force into the depths of a very deep pool! You stumble through the first few weeks and months, taking as much enjoyment from the experience as you possibly can, inbetween the sleep deprivation and ulcer inducing stress that comes from the spiralling costs involved in raising a child. With so much to buy and so little money to go around, most months can feel like a desperate struggle, constantly robbing Peter to feed Paul. And what is that saying 'When money goes out the door, love flies out the window'? 


You have distant memories of the days when you had that thing called 'disposable income' and 'free-time' to spend it in. Becoming a family robs you of any spare cash and even if you did have some, you doubt you would have the time to enjoy it. Not to say that couples always need money to have a good time, but it certainly helps and not having to worry about it helps even more. But having a child was your choice, right? So you take it like a grown up, like your parents had to, and you find new and exciting ways to have fun without the need for money. Well I guess that depends on whether you actually have the energy or enthusiasm to think of anything other than getting from one end of the day to the other and when you can next get some sleep! 


So as the days and months drift by you seem to spend more and more moments apart, between work, child-care and sleep, the shopping, cleaning, cooking and other commitments (family, friends etc..), the person you live with, the person you share your life with, the person you made this beautiful child with begins to become a stranger to you. You see them everyday, you pass each other on the landing or coming in and out of the bathroom, you sleep next to them in the bed, you share a conversation or a meal but you don't really see them anymore. And eventually, given enough time, you look up and don't even recognise the person staring back at you. You went from lovers and best-friends to house-mates that are time-sharing a child. And you can't imagine how or when this all happened! 


Sad isn't it?! And it happens to so many couples, behind closed doors you never really know what is going on. 


So what can you do to salvage this? Well first of all I guess the most important thing is to make sure there is something to salvage, not all couples are going to make it. That's just life I guess. Something left to salvage? Then look inside yourself and except responsibility for your part in how it all went wrong, because very rarely is it all one sided. Next try to remember all the reasons why you first fell in love, why you made the monumental decision to have a child together, except the fact that your relationship will never be how it was pre-child/children but that it could be better, because you are part of something amazing now, a family. And above all, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk and talk some more. Because with love, "There is nothing lost, that cannot be found, if sought"...And so you can find a way back to each other, to be happy, to be contented and as one of my best-friends recently told me, 'There is a lot to be said for being contented' and I am inclined to agree, it certainly makes the world a brighter place.

Lists and juggling...

Life can feel like an uphill struggle at times, sometimes it seems no matter how much effort you put in, you are still doomed to fail. I always feel like I am having to weigh up my options and try to decipher what tasks are more necessary (or important) than others. Very much like you do at work, you have a list of tasks and if you are anything like me, you have to sort through them and decide which ones are the most important and work downwards from there. Although invariably (as we all know) lists can take on a life of their own at times. The theory behind lists is that you make them to prioritise your tasks, or as a form of remembering things. You tick things off as you go along and so the list becomes smaller and you start to feel like you are achieving something. My lists are NEVER like that!  They inevitably become longer, or more complicated with tasks continually added to them. Even my shopping lists seem to miss the mark as there are always at least five items that go into the trolley, that never made it to the list. And these are not luxury items or impulse buys, they are just things I have forgotten that we needed.  


So I juggle all my priorities, like constant metaphorical balls in the air and I keep hoping that I might be able to chuck a ball or two away at times. Sometimes I do but they are always replaced by more balls, new balls and I guess some would just call that 'life'. And I walk around with paper lists and mental lists endlessly trying to tick the tasks off as I go along. Ring the nurse, email the University, buy new shoes for Emily, seal the bath because everytime someone takes a shower there is the danger of flooding in the kitchen, email photo's to my aunty, organise maternity clothes for best-friend, take packages to postoffice, call my sister in Hong Kong with my free 30 minutes international call (courtesy of the nice people at Orange), finish my A&P assignment, start my presentation for study skills, finishing reading Wuthering Heights for English, send back the Lovefilm DVD's, do some more exercise, clean the bathroom, wash Emily's clothes, wash my clothes, clean the kitchen floor, tidy and sweep the yard, spend quality time with Emily, spend quality time with Gavin, spend quality time with myself. Try not to want to burst into tears each night when I go to bed and realise that I have to start the whole process all over again the next day (ha ha). And in all that try to find the time to process all the millions of thoughts that are constantly spinning around in my head, things that can at times be of very great importance in holding together the fabric of my life, so that all those balls don't come crashing down around me. 


Ohhhhh okay and breathe! In truth my life is like so many others around me and I know that to be true. However sometimes it just feels good to share and maybe it will make the people around me feel a little better when they realise, that just like me, they are not alone! 

I carry your heart with me ( I carry it in my heart).

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body...


There is one baby born each second so as I am writing this sentence now at least 5 babies have already been born, that's a lot of momentous decisions isn't it?! 


And I am certain that I heard somewhere that you have more chance of popping up in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of a life-ring than you do of conceiving a child, although I wouldn't want to test those odds. But if the previous statement is true than that would make each one of those second born babies something of a miracle. So having a child really could be the most momentous thing you will ever do. It certainly feels that way when you are having them and afterwards nothing is ever the same as it was before and it never will be. Although sometimes we may fool ourselves into thinking that it is or that it could be. Children change everything, because whereas before your choices were your own, now every action has a consequence not just to yourself but to another person too and children are always the innocent in any situation and ultimately are only here through our choices and our decisions.


So this leads me onto the second half of the opening statement. '....it is to decide forever to have your heart going walking around outside your body'. That statement could probably be interpreted in many different ways (as I have learnt from recent English classes on my Access course). However for me I think it speaks to the fact that we give our children our heart, our lives and more importantly our unconditional love. And for me unconditional love knows no bounds. It is the realisation that you would do anything for that other person and that ultimately you value their happiness above all other things. True love, love not restricted by conditions, reaches beyond selfishness, beyond what we may perceive is best for another person, beyond even what we want for ourselves. It is doing the right thing, at the right time, for all the right reasons. But most importantly it is remembering always that 'YOU' brought this little person into the world and that you are responsible in ensuring that when it really mattered, you did everything you could to make their world just a little warmer, a little brighter and a little more hopeful. 


There is a poem by a Edward Estlin Cummings called 'I carry your heart with me' and whenever I hear it I always think of Emily...


I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling).


I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) 
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

Hello routine my old friend...

I can't think before I had Emily that I ever had that many routines or any routine of any sort for that matter. Maybe only small rituals, such as the Saturday morning lie-in after a long week at work or the full-fat latte and almond croissant from Waterloo station on my way to the office each day.  


Routine became something that I embraced as a part of motherhood. And now I have embraced it, we have become as one and we have routines for every aspect of our lives it seems. 


We have the Monday morning routine, when Emily and I are both up and dressed and out the house by 8am, her off to nursery and me to College. We have the Thursday afternoon routine (which I am still getting a handle on as my friend Theresa will testify), where we must be organised and out the house by 11.40am (lunch already eaten - which in the last three weeks has consisted of a tuna mayonnaise sandwich eaten on route - which may in itself become a routine) to get to my friend's house, to collect my friend, her son (Emily's age) and her baby daughter to go onto pre-school which lies at the top of a very steep hill by 12.15am. Dragging ourselves and the children (quite literally most of the time), negotiating the ever increasing piles of dog poo, errant sticks and muddy puddles. All enticing to a two year old, although not necessarily through actually choice, more by accident where the poo is concerned. 


We have the Wednesday routine, where we go to the grandparents, the Friday afternoon routine where Emily goes to her grandparents and I go to College, the Saturday morning routine where Emily goes to her grandparents and the Sunday morning routine where we goes to Emily's other grandparents, namely nanny Joan and Uncle Paul. And yes I appreciate that this may lead to complicated question once Emily is older, as to why nanny Joan and Uncle Paul are together but yet it's Aunty Jo and Uncle Tim. Still it's easier than trying to explain to a two year old why Nanny Joan and Grandad Kelvin are no longer together, ahhh the complexities of life. 


We have the night-time routine, the morning routine, the mid afternoon routine...well you get the idea! 


So with all this routine, what then happens when you take the child out of the routine? Well you know the old saying 'You can take the girl out of the......(fill in the blank) but you can't take the ....... (fill in the blank) out of the girl', this, I'm afraid, does not apply where children are concerned. Take the child out of the routine and all chaos will ensue as I was witness to last night. At 10pm I had to call Gavin to come pick me up from my mother's house (where we were meant to be spending the night) because at 10.30pm when the rest of the house were about ready to drop from a frantic day of foggy, stress inducing, car journeys across country to Sheffield and back, Emily was bouncing up and down on the spare bed of my mothers rather small two bedroom cottage, with walls as thin as tissue paper, refusing to go to sleep!  And having endured a night of hellish similarity the previous night, sharing a bed with a wriggly toddler, adamant that she would not sleep, raising her head off the pillow at the merest hint of a noise, the very idea that someone might be moving around and therefore she might be missing out on something. Restless sleep, interrupted with episodes of little arms flung in my face or little feet kicking in my back.  I was determined that I could not bare another night of this routine-less existence.  


So in conclusion not only do I embrace routine, I fear I may be lost without it. In fact I would go so far as to say that I may well not consider any overnighter with Emily until she is at least six? Ten? Twenty-one? Fill in the blank as necessary...