SAHM's!

I read an article today about SAHM's (stay at home mums). Apparently a childless woman had written into an advice column complaining that her mummy friends had little or no time for her, they would not respond to her emails and text messages. She felt like they were avoiding her and could not understand, when they didn't work what they did all day. Hmmmm...Well the columnist had to refrain from speaking the true nature of her thoughts and was obviously as diplomatic as she could be. This did however sparked a reaction in one particular SAHM who wrote an article for Yahoo news reviewing exactly what it is she does on a typical day and I have to admit although only having one child (unlike this woman who has a toddler and a baby) it all sounded very familiar. 


In truth I have never received any such reactions from any of my childless friends, but that is because none of them are selfish or unaware enough not to realise that being a parent (particularly the one that stays at home) is hard. However it would seem that there are many people out there still wondering what exactly SAHM's do all day, even (sadly) the partners of some of the said SAHM's, who seem to have little understanding of what it is their other half does all day when at home with the children. 


So for all 'those' people let me run you through a typical day for me with Emily...


Yesterday she was awake at the usual time 6.45am, you could set your watch by her most days. She came in complaining that her pyjama trousers were wet, not a regular occurrence granted but we still have the odd night accident. I was still half asleep and in agony with stomach cramps (period related) so I got up, changed her trousers and took her to the toilet. Then I went to the toilet, got dressed, got Emily into her dressing gown, stripped the sheet off her bed (luckily the duvet was still dry) and we went downstairs. I got Emily some juice, made her some breakfast, gave her her antibiotics and vitamin tablet and then sat her down with Nick Jr. whilst I went to make myself a cup of coffee and take some paracetamol to numb the pain! Next I did the washing up, emptied the drier and took Emily's clean clothes upstairs to put away. I opened her curtains, tidied away her toys from last night. Made my bed and collected some dirty washing to put in the machine. Came back downstairs, checked on Emily who had now finished her breakfast and was smearing her dirty hands all over the sofa. So I cleaned up Emily, cleaned up the sofa, blew Emily's runny nose and got her ANOTHER drink of juice (please mummy). Made myself another cup of coffee as the last one, only half drunk has now gone cold. Put the washing in the machine and then went back to check on Emily, who has converted my lounge into a softplay centre whilst I had been gone, emptying the entire contents of her toy box onto the floor. I sat down to drink my second cup of coffee when Emily informed me that she wanted a poo and she wanted to do it on the potty! She still refuses to go on the toilet unless she has to and it just isn't worth the fight right now. So went to retrieve the potty from upstairs, put Emily on the potty and sat down to drink my coffee. She then informed me that she has finished and wanted grapes, banana's and more juice (please mummy), so I took her off the potty, cleaned her bum and took the potty upstairs to empty the contents into the toilet. Rinsed the potty and left it soaking in the bathroom. I went back downstairs and into the kitchen. Brought the fruit and juice back into the living room and sat down to write my blog. Finished blog and realised what time it was! We had to be at nursery in an hour! So I chucked Emily in the shower, brushed my teeth, brushed Emily's teeth, got her out of the shower, wrestled with her whilst trying to put cream on her sore bum as she sobbed and screamed, wrestled with her whilst getting her dressed. Then I left her to play for 5 minutes whilst I had a shower and got dressed. 


Once dressed I got Emily and took her downstairs, wrestled with her whilst brushing and drying her hair, she screamed and cried the whole time. Made her a  tuna sandwich before nursery that she poked and prodded and basically tore up into tiny piece flicking bits of tuna and bread all over the table and the carpet in the process, before finally eating only half the sandwich. I ignored the mess and dried my own hair and threw on some makeup to cover the dark shadows under my eyes. Took some more paracetamol for the pain in my stomach. Got Emily's bag ready for nursery, got my coat and shoes on, cleaned Emily up after eating her sandwich and asked her to find her shoes for me whilst I went to the toilet.  Came back downstairs to find her sitting on the floor with piles of shoes around her although none actually on her feet. Found her shoes, put them on, found her coat and put that on, only for her to inform me that she needed a wee. I removed her coat and took her up to the toilet where she then informed me that actually she DID NOT need a wee afterall, took her back downstairs and put her coat back on again, managed to get her out of the house into the car. Dropped her at nursery and went into town to pick up a birthday card and present for her to give to Gavin on Saturday.


Came back home, emptied the washing machine and put the contents out to dry. Sat down to do my homework for A&P. Hoovered the hall, kitchen floor and living room carpet, picked bits of tuna out of the rug! Did the washing up AGAIN. Made myself something to eat, by this time it was 2.30pm and this was the first time I had eaten all day. Contacted my mum to tell her that Gavin had put money into her account accidental and arranged to meet her and sort it out. Then I went back out to pick up Emily, brought her back home, got her some juice and a snack. Made myself a cup of tea that went cold as I had to go fetch the potty on three further occasions because Emily was suffering with diarrhoea. Hoovered the upstairs landing and both mine and Emily's bedroom, put a new sheet on Emily's bed, cleaned the bathroom and the toilet. Tidied away Emily's toys AGAIN. Came back downstairs and made Emily some tea, put some tea in the oven for myself. Got Emily cleaned up from her tea, got her changed and ready for bed, got her changed again as she had an accident because she stood in the kitchen moaning at me, whilst I was doing the washing up AGAIN, that she needed the toilet even though I asked her to go on her own four times! Brought the potty downstairs AGAIN so she could go for another poo. Took Emily and the potty upstairs, emptied the potty and rinsed it out, gave Emily her antibiotics, brushed her teeth, took her to bed, read her a story. Went back downstairs, had my tea, watched Eastenders, tidied away Emily's toys in the living room. Went on the computer for a while to check my emails etc...Then went to bed. Got woken up by my neighbours banging on their own door at 'god knows' what time, went back to sleep, got woken up by Emily having had a bad dream and wanting to sleep in my bed. Went back to sleep. THE END...Woke up and started all over again this morning!


Sound familiar? 


I read this on a friends facebook status the other day and I think it speaks to the heart of what being a SAHM is all about. See what you think...

"A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall. In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it."

  

Watch out 'a family' is about...

Children and 'fun' days out normally end in tears and I'm not talking about the children here!

We took Emily to the Peppa Pig show at our local theatre, an enjoyable experience for Emily. Not so much for myself and Gavin. I can just about tolerate Peppa and her friends for small periods of time, i.e. 5 minute intervals on the television. A whole hour though was slightly torturous. That coupled with the fact that it cost me £3.60 for a tub of sweets! And yes you had to pay the £3.60 in advance regardless of how many sweets you actually wanted to purchase. Thus forcing us to fill the tub in order to feel like we were getting our moneys worth and not in reality being severely ripped off! And don't even get me started on how much it cost to purchase a small bag of popcorn...£4.00, it's corn!! Sugar coated inflated corn (deep calming breaths)! Needless to say we didn't bother with the popcorn. So the sweets ensured not only that my daughter was a sticky, slobbering mess before the show even started and me with no wet wipes again. Sometimes I feel so inadequate as a mother, especially when other mothers seem so well equipped - particularly the mother sat next to me that had to offer me the wet wipes to assist in our sticky situation but also that we literally had to scrape Emily off the ceiling by the end of the show because of the sugar high she was obviously experiencing. And yes I know we should really have thought through the snack situation before we arrived at the theatre, once again lends to my theory about my inadequacies as a mother (sigh).

So next I foolishly attempted something more adult enjoyable (well for female adults anyway) a small shopping spree in Primark. Silly, silly Anna! Emily spent the time either hiding in piles of clothes, pulling clothes off the rails or running at high speed towards the front door, knowing that I was unable to follow her due to the vast pile of clothes in my arms. Leaving me only one option, screaming like a banshee much to the dismay of other customers and staff a like. This combined with me walking into other shoppers not once but three times in my distraction, ensuring that I came very close to being punched in the face by a rather grumpy young mother whose pram I nearly derailed, opps! I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown when Gavin finally came to my rescue! Our next foolish decision...A trip to Frankie and Bennys for some tea. 

On arriving at Frankie and Bennys Emily made a little friend which was rather sweet and kept her happily distracted whilst Gavin and I perused the many millions of menus the waitress bestowed upon us. Seriously I think there was about 4 different menus with various meal deals! We all chose our food and Emily reassured me on three separate occasions that she did indeed want a burger but of course refused to eat anything once her food actually arrived. She just nibbled on a few chips and took a bite of the bap surrounding the burger, dipped her fingers in the ketchup, climbed on the back of the seat much to the dismay of the couple sat behind us, threw things on the floor, tried to escape on several occasions and moaned continually. I could literally feel my blood pressure rising and my dinner, completely spoiled of course - I ended up with that old familiar friend (indigestion) before I had even finished my food. However I guess it could have been worse, the little girl sat next to us was by this time having a full blown tantrum. I think between the two of them they ensured that all childless couples seated around us will remain childless for the foreseeable future. I wanted to tell the couples to move to a quieter part of the restaurant, to reassure them that we wouldn't be remotely offended. In fact if we could have moved too and left Emily where she was we would have done!

Wow, happy days! Ha ha ha...

  

  

From one mother to another

So this entry is for a woman who has been monumentally instrumental in my life. A woman that I draw strength from when my own has deserted me. A woman that has taught me how to love unconditionally and is always on my side no matter the situation. A woman whose individual strength of character is an inspiration and a woman that will always be, regardless of any human frailties she may possess (as we all do), perfection to me. My mother...

Through all the twists and turns of my life so far, the wonderful highs and terrifying lows there has always been one consistent, my mum. She will celebrate my achievements with me, never taking any credit for herself and she will pick me up when I am on the floor and feel like I cannot carry on. She has never judged me for my actions or decisions but has only listened and supported me, in the sure and certain knowledge that I am indeed the master of my own fate and that I know what is best for me (even when it may appear to everyone else that I don't). She believes in me and never doubts that I know what is right for me. This type of support is rare, especially in a parent. To allow your child to forge their own path, to make their own mistakes and to stand back and allow them to do this, only providing support when it is asked for, takes a very special and unique person. And this is my mother...

Through her love and support she has taught me about the kind of person I want to be and the kind of mother I want to be to Emily and for that I am eternally grateful and truly blessed to have her in my life. A very long time ago I heard a song that struck a chord in me because it reminded me not of a romantic love (as I think the song was intended to portray) but of a love far more important to me, the love I feel for my mother.

"For all those times you stood by me 
For all the truth that you made me see 
For all the joy you brought to my life 
For all the wrong that you made right 
For every dream you made come true 
For all the love I found in you 
I'll be forever thankful  
You're the one who held me up 
Never let me fall 
You're the one who saw me through through it all 


You were my strength when I was weak 
You were my voice when I couldn't speak 
You were my eyes when I couldn't see 
You saw the best there was in me 
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach 
You gave me faith 'coz you believed 
I'm everything I am 
Because you loved me 


You gave me wings and made me fly 
You touched my hand I could touch the sky 
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me 
You said no star was out of reach 
You stood by me and I stood tall 
I had your love I had it all 
I'm grateful for each day you gave me 
Maybe I don't know that much 
But I know this much is true 
I was blessed because I was loved by you 


You were my strength when I was weak 
You were my voice when I couldn't speak 
You were my eyes when I couldn't see 
You saw the best there was in me 
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach 
You gave me faith 'coz you believed 
I'm everything I am 
Because you loved me 


You were always there for me 
The tender wind that carried me 
A light in the dark shining your love into my life 
You've been my inspiration 
Through the lies you were the truth 
My world is a better place because of you 


You were my strength when I was weak 
You were my voice when I couldn't speak 
You were my eyes when I couldn't see 
You saw the best there was in me 
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach 
You gave me faith 'coz you believed 
I'm everything I am 
Because you loved me 


I'm everything I am 

Because you loved me " 

Going it alone...

I know it's been a while since I last wrote but a lot has been happening and most of it I didn't feel able to share, not until now anyway... 


So I am now officially a 'single parent'! And what have I learnt so far in my limited experience of this new situation? That going it alone is hard, maybe an obvious reflection but so true. The complexities of relationship breakdowns are multiplied by the addition of children. In reality when most relationships come to an end there is a very real chance that you will never speak to or come into contact with your ex ever again. However when you have a child with someone this changes the dynamics considerably. 


I do not wish to share everything, most being extremely personal to myself and Gavin but needless to say we came to the painful conclusion that we could not continue living together. I guess sometimes in order to fix what is broken you have to step back and see it from a whole new angle and that can be hard to do when you are constantly in each other's space. But as I have already said in a previous blog, 'There is nothing lost, that cannot be found, if sought' and I truly believe this. It's just maybe you have to look for it in a different way...So although Gavin and I may have closed this particular chapter of our lives, characters can return to a story at any time. You should never assume that you know the ending to a good story because you may be pleasantly surprised by the twists and turns that occur. 


Anyway enough metaphor bashing. What are the realities of single parenting? Well the sudden realisation that whereas before there were two of you to do everything, now all that 'everything' falls to you. I am truly exhausted by the aloneness of it all. That is not to say that Gavin hasn't been around, he has of course retained a very close relationship with his daughter. And I am aware that for him this whole situation is doubly hard, being away from Emily is heartbreaking and he is handling it with a strength of character that most, I fear, do not possess. I myself am not sure I could deal with the situation so well were the tables turned. To add to the aloneness and exhaustion is the financial worry and the endless form filling, spending everyday carefully watching your bank balance and praying that your claim comes through before all the direct debits come out. Trying to figure out what you are entitled to and spending ridiculous amounts of time 'on hold'! Sleeping alone in an empty house, that's tough! Knowing that you are the only person that stands between your daughter and an unwelcome intruder. 


And all the time you are battling through you are also desperately trying to keep a sense of normality for your daughter's sake and well for your own too. Life doesn't stop just because you don't feel like joining in. Take College as a prime example, I still have classes to attend, assignments to write and these are just as important especially if I am going to change that conditional offer at University to a firm one come July. Another tricky part is fielding the constant questions of 'where is daddy?'. I mean honestly how do you explain this situation to a two year child? Answer, you don't. We told her that although daddy has gone to live with Nanny and Grandad, that he loves her very much and will always be around and left it at that. That's about as much as she can understand at her age and being the product of a parental breakdown myself I am not so sure that being her age isn't better really. Being SO aware of what is happening around you, to your family is not always a good thing. Besides, amazingly, children seem to adapt very quickly and I am certain that she will be over all this long before Gavin and I are.


And on a more positive note I have a new found admiration for all the single parents that I know. My mother being one, raising three girls alone and trying to hold down a full-time job at the same time. My best friend, my aunty and some of the wonderful women that I attend college with. I draw strength from their experiences and their assurance that with like so many other things in life, a little bit of time, it will get easier.  

Change...

Change is a certainty in life, we can always rely on this! But what about personal change? 


Well there is a saying that goes something like this, 'You cannot help those that will not help themselves'. So personal change, personal growth or whatever you want to call it, has to be down to the individual. I guess the idea is that all the changes we make (and stick to) are born out of our own desire to change and not because we think we should for someone/something else or because someone/something else is pushing us into it. Admittedly I think another person/situation can be instrumental in us wanting to change, their desires, thoughts, needs and wants can guide us in our decision. However to truly change, to alter your life or who you are, that has to come from within. So regardless of what other people may think or say or want, unless you think, express and want all those things too then you are (it seems) eventually doomed to fail and revert back to past behaviour. 


So what happens when a person really does change, when this change comes from a place of self-awareness and an understanding of who/what they want to be? Well it should be acknowledged of course! Society, I think sometimes has a tendency when a person makes a big, life altering change to look around for someone else to congratulate. And as I said before I believe other people can be instrumental in us wanting to change, they can guide us and support us but ultimately the responsibility falls to us and thus so should the praise too. To heap praise onto others or to make them responsible for change in another, is to take away from that person what it is they have achieved. Personal change can be a challenge full of endurance, introspection, self-sacrifice and at times even self-deprivation or humbling of the spirit. It is a battle of wills, between the old and the new, the DEVIL you know and the ANGEL you don't.


So when a person has made this huge change, rather than looking to the people around them, look to them. Congratulate them. Because to do so is to validate everything they have fought, struggled and strived for. In heaping praise on others, for another's choice, is to undermine everything they have done. And yes we are all adults but we all still need validation from time to time and especially from the people that matter the most to us, our loved ones. Besides the thanks and gratitude for support should come from the person who has received it, not from the people around them.  

The night is darkest just before the dawn...

When so much of your time is taken nurturing the relationship you have with your child/children, it is sometimes easy to forget that there are other relationships that need nurture too.

Having a child will definitely change the dynamics of daily life but most importantly it can impact on those relationships closest to you. Particularly the relationship you share with your significant other.


To begin with, after a baby is born, it feels as though there is no time at all. Each day seems to require at least an additional half a day tagged on the end just to get everything done. It is like you have literally been dropped full force into the depths of a very deep pool! You stumble through the first few weeks and months, taking as much enjoyment from the experience as you possibly can, inbetween the sleep deprivation and ulcer inducing stress that comes from the spiralling costs involved in raising a child. With so much to buy and so little money to go around, most months can feel like a desperate struggle, constantly robbing Peter to feed Paul. And what is that saying 'When money goes out the door, love flies out the window'? 


You have distant memories of the days when you had that thing called 'disposable income' and 'free-time' to spend it in. Becoming a family robs you of any spare cash and even if you did have some, you doubt you would have the time to enjoy it. Not to say that couples always need money to have a good time, but it certainly helps and not having to worry about it helps even more. But having a child was your choice, right? So you take it like a grown up, like your parents had to, and you find new and exciting ways to have fun without the need for money. Well I guess that depends on whether you actually have the energy or enthusiasm to think of anything other than getting from one end of the day to the other and when you can next get some sleep! 


So as the days and months drift by you seem to spend more and more moments apart, between work, child-care and sleep, the shopping, cleaning, cooking and other commitments (family, friends etc..), the person you live with, the person you share your life with, the person you made this beautiful child with begins to become a stranger to you. You see them everyday, you pass each other on the landing or coming in and out of the bathroom, you sleep next to them in the bed, you share a conversation or a meal but you don't really see them anymore. And eventually, given enough time, you look up and don't even recognise the person staring back at you. You went from lovers and best-friends to house-mates that are time-sharing a child. And you can't imagine how or when this all happened! 


Sad isn't it?! And it happens to so many couples, behind closed doors you never really know what is going on. 


So what can you do to salvage this? Well first of all I guess the most important thing is to make sure there is something to salvage, not all couples are going to make it. That's just life I guess. Something left to salvage? Then look inside yourself and except responsibility for your part in how it all went wrong, because very rarely is it all one sided. Next try to remember all the reasons why you first fell in love, why you made the monumental decision to have a child together, except the fact that your relationship will never be how it was pre-child/children but that it could be better, because you are part of something amazing now, a family. And above all, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk and talk some more. Because with love, "There is nothing lost, that cannot be found, if sought"...And so you can find a way back to each other, to be happy, to be contented and as one of my best-friends recently told me, 'There is a lot to be said for being contented' and I am inclined to agree, it certainly makes the world a brighter place.

Lists and juggling...

Life can feel like an uphill struggle at times, sometimes it seems no matter how much effort you put in, you are still doomed to fail. I always feel like I am having to weigh up my options and try to decipher what tasks are more necessary (or important) than others. Very much like you do at work, you have a list of tasks and if you are anything like me, you have to sort through them and decide which ones are the most important and work downwards from there. Although invariably (as we all know) lists can take on a life of their own at times. The theory behind lists is that you make them to prioritise your tasks, or as a form of remembering things. You tick things off as you go along and so the list becomes smaller and you start to feel like you are achieving something. My lists are NEVER like that!  They inevitably become longer, or more complicated with tasks continually added to them. Even my shopping lists seem to miss the mark as there are always at least five items that go into the trolley, that never made it to the list. And these are not luxury items or impulse buys, they are just things I have forgotten that we needed.  


So I juggle all my priorities, like constant metaphorical balls in the air and I keep hoping that I might be able to chuck a ball or two away at times. Sometimes I do but they are always replaced by more balls, new balls and I guess some would just call that 'life'. And I walk around with paper lists and mental lists endlessly trying to tick the tasks off as I go along. Ring the nurse, email the University, buy new shoes for Emily, seal the bath because everytime someone takes a shower there is the danger of flooding in the kitchen, email photo's to my aunty, organise maternity clothes for best-friend, take packages to postoffice, call my sister in Hong Kong with my free 30 minutes international call (courtesy of the nice people at Orange), finish my A&P assignment, start my presentation for study skills, finishing reading Wuthering Heights for English, send back the Lovefilm DVD's, do some more exercise, clean the bathroom, wash Emily's clothes, wash my clothes, clean the kitchen floor, tidy and sweep the yard, spend quality time with Emily, spend quality time with Gavin, spend quality time with myself. Try not to want to burst into tears each night when I go to bed and realise that I have to start the whole process all over again the next day (ha ha). And in all that try to find the time to process all the millions of thoughts that are constantly spinning around in my head, things that can at times be of very great importance in holding together the fabric of my life, so that all those balls don't come crashing down around me. 


Ohhhhh okay and breathe! In truth my life is like so many others around me and I know that to be true. However sometimes it just feels good to share and maybe it will make the people around me feel a little better when they realise, that just like me, they are not alone!