Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012


I wanted to write about love but I realised that I no more understand the complexities of love then I do of life. The raw emotions that we feel, the ones that cannot be verbalised because they exist only to us, to try and explain them to another can feel rather daunting, unexplainable even. There are no words that can convey the gravity of what love is to each person. I know what love is to me, although I may not be able to express it adequately in words, I feel it right at the centre of my being every time I look at a person that I love. However I cannot be sure that what I feel is the same as what any other person feels even though the sub-text may appear the same at times.

The prophet, Kihlil Gibran wrote “as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he ascends to your heights and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.” And this is what love has taught me. At it's height you can feel no greater elation, it will lift you up and beyond any kind of happiness you ever thought possible. However when love crucifies you it does it in such a way that you feel torn apart from yourself, the enormity of pain that it can inflict on you is devastating. So much so that sometimes you feel you may never recover. Sadly some people, broken hearted, never do...I know no other emotion (if you can categories love as an emotion) that has the potential to do this to you. No other emotion that has the power to propel you into the stratosphere one moment and slam you hard and cold back to earth and bury you deep the next.

Love comes in many forms for different people but as my blog is about my experiences as a parent then I must talk about my love for Emily I guess. The love you feel for your child is an all encompassing thing. It surrounds you and makes you weak and vulnerable and (only speaking from personal experience now) it is unmatched in power to that which you feel for any other. My love for Emily is fierce and unrelenting, it is all consuming and self-sacrificing. It keeps me going when I want to give up and forces me onward, everyday, even when I feel like I have nothing left to give. It terrifies me because it exists in a place I have no control over and is rooted deep in the centre of who I am. I cannot hide my heart from her, like I have done with so many other people in my life, not that I would want to of course but it is truly humbling to love so profoundly and without question. I never got it before. All those years when my own mother would look at me with genuine love in her eyes no matter what I might be telling her or what I might have done. I didn't understand that it could be possible to value another person's life more than your own but now I understand.

So maybe love is so complex because the nature of love is unfounded. We do not know where it comes from, or what controls it. We only know how it feels to us and I guess that is all we can really understand about it or maybe that is all I can ever understand.

Just a few late night thoughts...  

Friday, 8 June 2012

All by myself...

Generally I don't like to think that I can't cope. I am fiercely independent and extremely stubborn and always have been even since I was Emily's age. Although back then my mother always insisted that I was just 'strong willed', which is a nice way of saying I was a pain in the backside (she smiles)! So I don't like the idea that I might not be able to do something or everything for that matter, unless of course it relates to flat-pack furniture in which case I am quite happy to let someone else do it for me, ridiculous invention! 

Anyway life is a little hectic at the moment, which may indeed be a severe understatement. Let's see what you think? Currently I am in the process of revising for my exams, whilst sorting, cleaning, decorating and packing for a house move that will take place immediately after my exams. This is all done whilst helping Gavin move house last weekend, filling in forms, organising meetings with my prospective landlady, organising a man with a van to help me move, calls to Sky, calls to insurance company, trips to the postoffice to send supporting documents for my bursary, trips to the doctors to obtain a copy of my immunisations for University, trips to the charity shop, trips to the tip and looking after my sister/mother's guinea pig whilst my mother is away (which reminds me I really must go buy a newspaper to line his cage). Oh and Emily is at home with me constantly at the moment as with the Queen's jubilee and half-term both her nurseries are closed. And she is now poorly bless her, running a temperature and miserable with suspected Chicken Pox (although the spots are yet to appear). We haven't slept much these pass few nights. 

So as I said I don't like to think that I cannot manage but even I have to admit that breaking down and crying at the news that Gavin has had to cancel the internet connection (during exam revision week) may be a slight overreaction and blubbering on the phone to my sister yesterday may be a sign that things aren't exactly 'fine' but I am just going to put it down to my hormones, bloody hormones making me all irrational. So I will survive and get through all this without taking up chain smoking or heavy drinking and without developing a stomach ulcer in the process and the runny nose that has appeared over the last few days can bugger off. I just don't have time to be ill right now! Beside on a day like today when I think about what other people close to me are having to deal with it puts my life into prospective...

Right where is my list?