Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Sunday, 28 March 2010

A new olympic sport maybe...

My daughter has taken to participating in what I like to call 'cot gymnastics'. In layman's terms she has taken to sleeping in an array of weird and interesting positions. Sideways, diagonally, on her front with her little legs hanging through the bars and my favourite her head at the bottom of the cot, buried in her teddies. 

It would seem that her fidgeting and constant movement is not just contained to daylight hours. It's anyone's guess what position she will be in when I go to check on her later. If she was standing on her head it wouldn't surprise me. 

Thursday, 25 March 2010

The long and winding road...

A baby at any age is a beautiful thing to behold, each stage is a blessing full of wonderful little milestones. 

However the first 6 months with Emily were tough, she didn't start to come into her own or me into mine until after that time. Then it seemed, overnight almost, that my grouchy, windy, little lady became blissfully happy and smiley and everyday since then has been more of a joy then the one before.

Don't get me wrong, we have endured teething and illness since then and there have been a few tough nights! But it just seems that her little personality has started to shine through. She is mischevious and strong willed, with a beautifully gentle and loving nature. 

You start to get more excited with every passing day as you get small glimpses of the kind of person your little girl will become if you continue to nurture and encourage her.

Just the other day she fed herself with a spoon for the first time! Such a small inconsequential thing, you never thought it could bring such a smile to your face or warm your heart the way it does. You feel pride that you never knew was possible. And each day is filled with these small acts of progression on a long road for both of you!

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Money, money, money...

I've been extremely busy recently, which is why I have not been able to devote as much time to my blog as I would have liked. We have moved house and the last three weeks have be spent involved in much sorting, packing, cleaning and then unpacking, re-sorting and more cleaning and then just a little more cleaning to go with all the rest!

It occurred to me, whist packing, that there are definitely two types of people in this world. The hoarders and the liberators. I am a liberator, Gavin is a hoarder and so is Emily by default of course. So I have spent the majority of the last few weeks sorting and packing items that don't belong to me. In fact I would go so far as to say that only 1/5 of all the items that made it to the new house were mine.

Which brings me onto the subject of why babies need so much. As a prospective first time parent, you throw yourself into the act of buying every available item that you and your baby could ever need. You soon learn that you only need about half of the items you have bought but trust me that enough!

I never realised that such a small person would need so much, I mean people tried to warn me, but I never appreciated what they meant until Emily came along. prams and cots, moses baskets and car seats, baby baths and sterilisers, bibs and sleep suits and vest and the list goes on and on and on.

A simple trip to the shops becomes like a military maneuver, have we got a change of clothes, nappies, wipes, the dummy, etc... And going away, forget it, it's just not worth it. Beside by the time you have packed up the car with all the belongings you need to look after the baby there will be no room left for your things anyway. I took Emily to London for 3 nights when she was 3 months old, the back of my mums car was rammed full, you could barely see out the back. And she owns a people carrier!!!

And the money you spend will very soon run into the thousands. Add up the cost of all those nappies and babies wipes combined with the fact that your new baby will need new clothes every 3 months and you can start to understand why parents walk around in clothes that went out of fashion 3 years ago. So what is the consolation? At least you won't have to buy anything for the next time you temporarily lose your sanity and utter those 5 words. 'Should we have another baby?'.

Thursday, 4 March 2010

You complete me...

I have always been taught to respect others beliefs, even if they do not align with my own. So long as you are not breaking the law or abusing others, then live and let live. So if a person or couple chooses not to have children that is their choice. My choice was always different though.

I always felt like something was missing in my life, that I hadn't found my purpose. But when I look at my daughter I can see that this is what I was meant to do. Be a mother. It's not perfect, like a film or a novel where you have a happy ending and everyone lives happily ever after. It's real and it's hard and I make mistakes, sometimes I cry and I'm so tired that I can barely remember my own name but it's what I'm happiest doing. It makes me feel complete and maybe that makes me a very simple person but maybe that's always been my problem. I have a tenancy to over think and over complicate, it runs in the family. Maybe simple in best for me.

Motherhood has made me realise that I can love in a way I never thought possible before. So unconditionally and so completely. When you have a child, you love them more than you love yourself, more than you have ever loved anyone, sometimes you love them more than life itself. And this love is scary and unknown and you feel that it will overwhelm you but you can't fight it. When you child smiles or laughs you feel like you heart will overrun with love and when they cry it's like your heart is breaking.

So now everyday I put someone else first, and I think about their needs before mine and it's liberating. And now I finally understand what life is all about, for me at least.

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

That I would be loved...

One of my favourite songs is Alanis Morissettes 'That I would be good'.

The lyrics have always spoken to me at different points in my life for different reasons.

I realised tonight, whilst settling Emily for bed, that all she really wants is love. Recently she has started to understand the concept of love more (in her limited child-like way). She reaches out so she can be held, she offers you kisses and cuddles without having to be coerced. And this morning she stroked mummy's head because I think she understands that this is a sign of affection, this is what mummy does to help her get to sleep. With her ever growing confidence and blossoming personality comes a strong love and affection for the people around her that are special and important in her life.

To be loved is one of the most precious things that life can provide and the fact that my daughter is starting to understand this already just makes me love her more!