Warning: Sorry
a rather self-absorbed, self-pitying blog this time I'm afraid! So I
suggest that if you think it will upset or anger you to read it that
you do not read it! To all that do decide to read it I apologise and
promise to make my next blog more upbeat and positive! x
As
a parent I have massive guilt, most of the time! And there are times
when I feel like I just don't measure up! I have moments of feeling
like a huge failure and I have to say that the last few months have
felt very much like this!
Emily
is going through a particularly difficult and extremely tiring stage.
She constantly questions everything that I say or ask of her, if she
listens at all to me in the first place. Everything involves some
sort of fight or argument, it's like a constant battle of wills and I
just don't have the energy to keep up with her and her constant
demands.
Most
days we are up at 6.30am and I spend the next 12 and a half hours
feeling like my head is gradually building up to explosion point!
I long for 7pm so I can take her to bed, even though bedtime in
itself is a fight. A fight to get her ready, to get her into bed and
to keep her there once she is in bed! I can't seem to keep my temper
and the smallest of things irritate me. I have been told that I am
miserable and not myself and is it any wonder really?!
I
really don't want my experiences of motherhood to be like this! When
I look around at people I know, people who are going through
extremely difficult situations it makes me feel guilty that
I am not coping better. Emily is here with me, whenever I want and
she is healthy and happy and that should be enough! And it is enough
but I am just so god damn tired all the time and don't feel like
there is anything left for me. I spend every night sat in, alone and
not able to do anything or go anywhere because Emily is in bed and
then weekend's mostly all I want to do is sleep to recover. I would
love to do something constructive with my time alone but I haven't
enough money or energy.
To
make it worse people are constantly telling me to enjoy this time I
have with Emily before I have to go to University but in all honestly
I cannot wait to get to University so we have a routine and there are
other people around to help me occupy her time and keep her
stimulated. She is as bright as a button and extremely quick which is
a joy and what every parent wants but it is truly exhausting
and makes me feel like I am just failing to keep her even remotely
entertained or stimulated.
I
know that being alone was my choice and it will take time to adjust
but I feel lost in a bit of a fog at the moment. I suppose no-one
ever said that motherhood was going to be easy and as people keep
telling me it won't get any easier, just different. I just hope
that eventually I will get better at dealing with it all or
at least stop feeling like such a big failure....