Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

First day at School...

Today was Emily's first day at school! My little baby is a baby no more...

I think as the world has evolved and full-time childcare has become more the norm for children under the age of 4, the significance of the first day of school has maybe been lost a little.

I vaguely remember my first day, my mum took me to the gates and waved goodbye. I remember feeling excited but also extremely apprehensive. With the exception of spending about 10 hours a week with Manny (my child-minder) I had always been with either my mother or my father until that point. Emily however has spent the last 2 years in childcare of one variety or another. Last year whilst I was studying she was there full-time, Monday to Friday. So I guess the transition into school is a slightly smoother one for her. However no less important! 

I am starting a new job in less than 2 weeks and as excited as I am about the prospect of going back to work again (which I honestly am...promise), I keep getting these waves of sadness that things will never be quite the same again. Life moves forward and as my boyfriend said there is nothing you can do to change that. We are all getting older. I just wish I had realised the significance of the time I had with Emily when I had it. Sometimes I think my sadness is connected to guilt, guilt that maybe I wasn't the best mother I hoped I would be. Haaa isn't that the parent's curse though, always feeling like you could have done better?! However each day when I wake up I try a little harder than the day before to be the best mum that I can be because in the end I guess that is all any of us can do. So school has started and with it the beginning of a new era.
Camping in Scotland  

Ready for School 
Big grown up girl 


Saturday, 24 August 2013

A moment of clarity...

Today Emily fell down the cellar stairs! One moment she was stood in the hall chatting away, the next she leant against the door and I watched as it gave way and she toppled backwards through the now open door. As the scene unravelled in front of me, every single moment in slow motion (whilst in reality the whole thing probably lasted about 7 seconds), I watched as my daughter tumbled down each and every step just a second ahead of me. I chased after her, desperately reaching out to try and stop her before she hit the bottom. With every single step I prayed that she wouldn't smash her head into the concrete steps or the brick wall, that she wouldn't break her arms or her legs or worse still her fragile, little neck. I prayed that I wouldn't have to watch my daughter die, right there is front of my eyes, just out of my reach and that I wouldn't be able to save her!! I am her mother and I wouldn't be able to save her! And with every step she cried out to me and somewhere around me I could hear this frantic voice screaming her name over and over again! It was my voice I realised afterwards. I reached the bottom a second after she did and I scooped her into my arms and I sobbed and choked on my own tears as she cried over and over again 'mummy, mummy, mummy'! Maybe you think I am being a little melodramatic and forgive me if I appear so but those 7 seconds where the scariest of my life to date!   

She is fine, a few scrapes, a bruise on her forehead but otherwise she is absolutely fine! But today was monumental, it provided one of those rare moments of clarity. It brought home the fragility of life and once again reminded me of how vulnerable my love for Emily makes me. How this one little girl changed my whole life, how she taught me to love without conditions or constraints. And how that love scares the hell out of me! 

I know that she is okay and as advised I will try not to dwell on it too much but the sick feeling I got in my stomach when I had to go into the cellar just a few minutes ago made me realise that I had to at least write it down. Get it out of my head and where else to go but to my blog. 

So I know it's been a while but as always thanks for listening x    

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Here's to ANOTHER new year!

I have neglected my blog a lot recently! Sometimes it's hard to continue writing about the same subject without feeling like you are repeating yourself a little or a lot even. 

Well it's January 1st 2013 and I can say as Christmas periods go that one was fairly horrific and I am not unhappy to see the back of all the festivities. I am even contemplating taking down the Christmas tree today. This was my first Christmas without the joy of Emily on Christmas eve and this being my favourite of the festive days, I discovered as I have always suspected that Christmas is most definitely for Children! Without Emily it was just another day. Although I was lucky to have my lovely mother, sister and boyfriend trying their very best to keep me happy without them I may have taken to my bed and pulled the duvet back over my head! 

Emily joined me on Christmas day and managed to open all her presents within a 20 minute period, a record even for her! Then we sat down to enjoy a lovely dinner cooked by my sister and watch a little bit of festive television that included the new Snowman and Snowdog.

Boxing day I was greeted by a phone call from my sister asking me to rush up to my mother's house as she had collapsed on the kitchen floor and the paramedics has been called. They wanted to escort her to hospital via helicopter. She decided quite sensibly I think though that A&E was the last place for a sick person to be on boxing day. So she took to her bed and remained there till yesterday. Fortunately although far from better she was starting to look a lot more like herself yesterday when we went for a short visit. 

I would like to add that I am extremely grateful for all the support around me, it's times like this that you realise how lucky you are to have so many people that care about you, your family or both. 

It is a new year and so much has changed recently and continues to change around me. I am not sure that I will write as often anymore as I have done but I will always come back to my blog in times of need. 

Happy New Year I honestly hope it's a good one for all the people that I love! Although I imagine it will be like all the others before it, full of great moments and not so great moments but I think that's just life. x