Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Friday, 23 November 2012


I hate meal times! Well correction, I hate meal times with Emily!

For the last 2+ years, every single meal time has been a fight. I get indigestion just at the thought of having to sit down and try and persuade Emily to eat something. It's not that Emily doesn't eat, it's just that all she wants to do is (what I call) graze. Fruit, yoghurts, crackers and cheese, cereal, toast, etc...But nothing in the form of an actually meal unless it's for anyone other than me and then she will basically eat whatever is put in front of her as the nursery take delight in telling me each time I collect her! I suppose I should be grateful that she at least eats proper meals some of the time.

I try not to make a big deal out of it, I ignore it, I refuse to give her anything else to eat if she won't eat her tea, I shout at her or cajole her, I get her to cook with me. I try everything, everything and nothing works. I know it's a battle of wills but I feel like I'm losing all the time. The worst thing is that unlike other difficult situations that arise with children I don't feel able to push this one because I'm terrified I will make her weird about food. I keep hoping she will grow out of it but we are coming up for three years of this and sometimes I just want to cry! In fact honestly sometimes I have cried.

Every so often I give up on the whole meal fiasco and I just allow her to graze which makes us both happy but then I start feeling inadequate because my daughter won't sit and eat a meal for me, so we start the whole process again. It's exhausting!

I think in all honestly I am exhausted right now, some days I feel like I'm walking through treacle! I want to be a good mum, I want to be a good student, I want to find the time to clean my house for god sake! I want to stop worrying about money all the time and manage a full nights sleep without waking up in a panic about something but most of all I just want my daughter to stop fighting me on everything (or at least most days it feels that way)!

Take last weekend for instance, I decided to take her up town to see the lights switched on and she spent all her time running off into massive crowds of people, moaning or crying! The final straw was when she had a massive tantrum in the middle of the main street. I could have quite happily left her there and all I was trying to do was something nice! Mentally I know she is only three years old, she is like all other three year old but emotionally it's hard and I feel alone, tired and fed up. I know I'm not alone but it doesn't half feel like it sometimes. I apologise to my readers and I appreciate that I am moaning about life.  This is just how it is and I get that but sometimes I have to let it all out or else I think I might go mad. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Right I feel a little better now thanks...ha ha ha :) So much for the carefree student life, I think that bit passed me by!

And as I finished writing this blog my beautiful daughter passed me an envelope whilst singing happy birthday (incidentally it is not my birthday today) and this is what was inside.
So despite all of the above I do love being a mum, really I do, even if it's blo*dy hard work sometimes!!