Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Today I had a thought, what if...

...what if I had never met you?

When I was 6 ½ weeks pregnant with Emily I started to bleed. I remember having this awful sense of foreboding as I made my way to work that morning. This word kept echoing around my mind, 'miscarriage'.

An hour or two later I sat at my desk and I felt this rush of blood leave my body, and all I could think was 'please no, not me, not my baby'. It's a funny thing, I had only known about the pregnancy for about a week and a half but it had already become a part of my being. Everything had changed and the thought that it could be taken away from me was more than I could bear! 

I was taken to hospital in an ambulance and asked to wait in a private room while they decided what to do with me. They asked me to give them a urine sample to check that I was definietly pregnant and I remember the sample was red with my blood. The nurse gave me a sympathic smile as she took the sample from me and I wanted to scream! I sat on a cold bed with my hospital gown barely covering my modesty and I felt so small and lost. 

Finally they took me to the early pregnancy unit for a scan. And there on the screen was my baby, this tiny being with a little heart beating away. So small. I looked at the screen and made a silent plea, please little baby, please little one, hold on don't give up on me. 

And she did! 

But today I had some really sad news concerning a very dear friend of mine and it got me to thinking 'what if...what if I had never met you Emily?' And at this point words fail me.

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