Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

P.S I love you...

In a week full of revelations and some startling realisations, we all have to re-evaluate our character at times... humbling as it might be. There was a moment, one of those lovely little milestones that become rarer and rarer the older your child gets. My daughter told me she loves me...well okay technically I asked her if she loves mummy and she smiled and said 'yes'! I still like to think that this counts though. Especially because upon asking the same questions before this morning I would be met with the same answer every time 'no'.

Up until recently this question was tied into a game of sorts. I would ask her if she loved me and she would laugh and say 'no' and then I would say 'What do you mean you don't love me?' and tickle her, then we would repeat the whole thing.

Love is one of those funny things thought isn't it?! My sister and I were discussing this earlier in the week, we expect love to be this huge realisation, this moment of clarity where you suddenly shriek 'Eureka...i've got it, this funny feeling i've been feeling well it must be LOVE'. But in reality that isn't really true. My sister had an interesting analogy. She said it's like all our other emotions, it's there all the time it's just we feel it stronger at certain times, like sadness or happiness, anger, grieve etc...I like to think that love creeps up on us, unexpected, until one day you can't keep the words in anymore. It's when you are not thinking about it that love will find you, it's when you want to say the words to someone without knowing why or how, it's when it becomes an involuntary action...almost like a freudian slip. 

So did my daughter just wake up this morning and suddenly realise a) what the meaning of the word love is and b) that these were the feelings she had for her mummy? No probably not but I like to think that one day she will understand, one day she will say it for real and until then I will take all the positive responses she is willing to give! Besides I don't say I love you very often, but that's because I think it loses it's meaning if you just throw it out there all the time. Afterall it's just three little words and the important people in my life know how I feel about them. When I say it I want it to be involuntary, for the words to just come out because in that moment... I just can't possibly hold them in!  

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