Warning: Sorry a rather self-absorbed, self-pitying blog this time I'm afraid! So I suggest that if you think it will upset or anger you to read it that you do not read it! To all that do decide to read it I apologise and promise to make my next blog more upbeat and positive! x
As a parent I have massive guilt, most of the time! And there are times when I feel like I just don't measure up! I have moments of feeling like a huge failure and I have to say that the last few months have felt very much like this!
Emily is going through a particularly difficult and extremely tiring stage. She constantly questions everything that I say or ask of her, if she listens at all to me in the first place. Everything involves some sort of fight or argument, it's like a constant battle of wills and I just don't have the energy to keep up with her and her constant demands.
Most days we are up at 6.30am and I spend the next 12 and a half hours feeling like my head is gradually building up to explosion point! I long for 7pm so I can take her to bed, even though bedtime in itself is a fight. A fight to get her ready, to get her into bed and to keep her there once she is in bed! I can't seem to keep my temper and the smallest of things irritate me. I have been told that I am miserable and not myself and is it any wonder really?!
I really don't want my experiences of motherhood to be like this! When I look around at people I know, people who are going through extremely difficult situations it makes me feel guilty that I am not coping better. Emily is here with me, whenever I want and she is healthy and happy and that should be enough! And it is enough but I am just so god damn tired all the time and don't feel like there is anything left for me. I spend every night sat in, alone and not able to do anything or go anywhere because Emily is in bed and then weekend's mostly all I want to do is sleep to recover. I would love to do something constructive with my time alone but I haven't enough money or energy.
To make it worse people are constantly telling me to enjoy this time I have with Emily before I have to go to University but in all honestly I cannot wait to get to University so we have a routine and there are other people around to help me occupy her time and keep her stimulated. She is as bright as a button and extremely quick which is a joy and what every parent wants but it is truly exhausting and makes me feel like I am just failing to keep her even remotely entertained or stimulated.
I know that being alone was my choice and it will take time to adjust but I feel lost in a bit of a fog at the moment. I suppose no-one ever said that motherhood was going to be easy and as people keep telling me it won't get any easier, just different. I just hope that eventually I will get better at dealing with it all or at least stop feeling like such a big failure....