Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Not measuring up!

Warning: Sorry a rather self-absorbed, self-pitying blog this time I'm afraid! So I suggest that if you think it will upset or anger you to read it that you do not read it! To all that do decide to read it I apologise and promise to make my next blog more upbeat and positive! x

As a parent I have massive guilt, most of the time! And there are times when I feel like I just don't measure up! I have moments of feeling like a huge failure and I have to say that the last few months have felt very much like this! 

Emily is going through a particularly difficult and extremely tiring stage. She constantly questions everything that I say or ask of her, if she listens at all to me in the first place. Everything involves some sort of fight or argument, it's like a constant battle of wills and I just don't have the energy to keep up with her and her constant demands. 

Most days we are up at 6.30am and I spend the next 12 and a half hours feeling like my head is gradually building up to explosion point! I long for 7pm so I can take her to bed, even though bedtime in itself is a fight. A fight to get her ready, to get her into bed and to keep her there once she is in bed! I can't seem to keep my temper and the smallest of things irritate me. I have been told that I am miserable and not myself and is it any wonder really?!

I really don't want my experiences of motherhood to be like this! When I look around at people I know, people who are going through extremely difficult situations it makes me feel guilty that I am not coping better. Emily is here with me, whenever I want and she is healthy and happy and that should be enough! And it is enough but I am just so god damn tired all the time and don't feel like there is anything left for me. I spend every night sat in, alone and not able to do anything or go anywhere because Emily is in bed and then weekend's mostly all I want to do is sleep to recover. I would love to do something constructive with my time alone but I haven't enough money or energy.  

To make it worse people are constantly telling me to enjoy this time I have with Emily before I have to go to University but in all honestly I cannot wait to get to University so we have a routine and there are other people around to help me occupy her time and keep her stimulated. She is as bright as a button and extremely quick which is a joy and what every parent wants but it is truly exhausting and makes me feel like I am just failing to keep her even remotely entertained or stimulated. 

I know that being alone was my choice and it will take time to adjust but I feel lost in a bit of a fog at the moment. I suppose no-one ever said that motherhood was going to be easy and as people keep telling me it won't get any easier, just different. I just hope that eventually I will get better at dealing with it all or at least stop feeling like such a big failure.... 


  1. Anna, I guarantee 100% that you are not alone feeling like you do right now. Looking after a young child is draining physically and especially emotionally. And you do a fantastic job by the sound of it.
    If there is one thing I have learnt in my 31 years of wisdom it's that things/ life/situations never stay the same or very long, so just do what you do best and keep going!
    And when you have an intimate moment with Emily, it will remind you that all this hard work is worth it just for that 3 second moment.
    You are a fantastic mother. And you don't need to feel guilty for getting tired, cross, loosing patience, all parents are going through exactly the same. You hold be really proud of yourself x

    1. Thank you for your kind words it means alot. x

    2. I totally agree with the sentiments of anon above and agree that you are a good mum and yes we all know how exhausing being a good mum can be . Don't give up on yourself and her , because it will be worthwhile I promise you, lots of love mum xxx