Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Somebody I used to know...

All parents know that having a child changes your life. But sometimes some of us fail to appreciate how much of our lives we lose in them and how much of our future is invested in them.

The person I was before no longer exists this I know.  Occasionally I imagine that I could once again  play out that person be 'just Anna' but in reality I know that won't ever be the case. Which is okay, I learnt a long time ago to accept that and it's no real sacrifice for the sake of having Emily in my life. She's worth the identity crisis!

So now I am a mother that takes precedence over all else in my life and everything I do or don't do comes back to this in the end. People may tell you it doesn't but truly it always does!  I go to University for me, so I can get a degree to better my life but do you want to know what I always say, when asked, are my main reasons for wanting to better my life? Yes that's right for my daughter, to make her life better and make her proud of me!  I will always be judged on it, known for it and the words mummy, mum or mother will be said a million times more in a year than my own name. I will be defined by it while I study, when I start work, in my relationships, my friendships. It may even define whether I am loved or not loved.

So what happens when becoming a mother means the person that's meant to love you stops loving you? Or maybe they realise that they do love you but by the time they do it's too late. And then everyone that comes after may only love you depending on this fact, you being a mother or how they can relate to you as mother, not just a women or another person. You are never just yourself ever again. You aren't complete without this part of you being right there out in the light for everyone to see and so you are never again loved for just you I guess. Interesting...

Ironically the only people that may actually love me for being just me are my daughter and of course my own mother but then she knows the score.

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