This week has seen a new first for myself and Emily. Her first day at nursery.
Tuesday morning, Emily and I got into the car and drove to the aptly named 'Learning Mill', because this was definitely one of those life lesson that people talk about and not just for my daughter but for me too.
Taking her into a room full of strangers. The noise, the sounds and smells, all alien to my daughter. Her nervous little figure, clutching my hand as I lead her across the room. Having to crouch down and kiss my daughter goodbye. Leaving her alone for the first time ever with nothing familiar and only 'Bob the bear' for company. Watching her as I left with this look of confusion and apprehension on her face. Racing away so as to avoid literally breaking down in front of a room full of people. My heart ached! My chest was tight and I could feel a lump rising in my throat. The second I made it through our front door, into the safety of my own house, I just cried. As ridiculous as it felt, I couldn't fight the emotion.
Logically I knew that she would come to no harm, that the place was designed around children, for children - for their delight. That the friendly staff would welcome her, make her feel at ease and treat her as kindly as any mother could wish for. The logic in my brain told me that she would be fine but the love in my heart was screaming at me, to run back, take her hand and lead her out of this strange place and into the comfort and safety of my arms.
How contrary it can be, a mothers love! In order to save our children, in order to provide the best for them, sometimes we have to do the opposite of what our intuition tells us. Sometimes we just have to let them go, let them live and hope that the decisions we make are the right ones. Which of course in this instance it was.
On returning 3 hours later I found my daughter happily drawing pictures with other children, all stood around a big circular table. And when she saw me, she did not throw herself into my arms, she did not cry with relief that her mother had returned to her. She just smiled, kissed me and with a nonchalant greeting of "Hi mama" returned to her drawing!