Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Saturday, 24 August 2013

A moment of clarity...

Today Emily fell down the cellar stairs! One moment she was stood in the hall chatting away, the next she leant against the door and I watched as it gave way and she toppled backwards through the now open door. As the scene unravelled in front of me, every single moment in slow motion (whilst in reality the whole thing probably lasted about 7 seconds), I watched as my daughter tumbled down each and every step just a second ahead of me. I chased after her, desperately reaching out to try and stop her before she hit the bottom. With every single step I prayed that she wouldn't smash her head into the concrete steps or the brick wall, that she wouldn't break her arms or her legs or worse still her fragile, little neck. I prayed that I wouldn't have to watch my daughter die, right there is front of my eyes, just out of my reach and that I wouldn't be able to save her!! I am her mother and I wouldn't be able to save her! And with every step she cried out to me and somewhere around me I could hear this frantic voice screaming her name over and over again! It was my voice I realised afterwards. I reached the bottom a second after she did and I scooped her into my arms and I sobbed and choked on my own tears as she cried over and over again 'mummy, mummy, mummy'! Maybe you think I am being a little melodramatic and forgive me if I appear so but those 7 seconds where the scariest of my life to date!   

She is fine, a few scrapes, a bruise on her forehead but otherwise she is absolutely fine! But today was monumental, it provided one of those rare moments of clarity. It brought home the fragility of life and once again reminded me of how vulnerable my love for Emily makes me. How this one little girl changed my whole life, how she taught me to love without conditions or constraints. And how that love scares the hell out of me! 

I know that she is okay and as advised I will try not to dwell on it too much but the sick feeling I got in my stomach when I had to go into the cellar just a few minutes ago made me realise that I had to at least write it down. Get it out of my head and where else to go but to my blog. 

So I know it's been a while but as always thanks for listening x    

No comments:

Post a Comment