Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

And in the beginning...

Less than two years ago I was single, living in London looking forward to celebrating my 27th birthday. And now I am engaged, have a 9 month old baby daughter and will be moving into my first mortgaged property in a months time. How did it happen?

Well the usually way, girl meets boy, they go out on a few dates, fall in love, go on a romantic break to Ibiza and accidental, in the heat of passion, conceive their first child...right?! Oh no... just me then!!

My daughter Emily was born on the 22nd April 2009, only 12 months and 20 days after my first official date with her father.

To say I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant would be an understatement, the test was only ever meant to be taken as a reassurance, a reassurance that my late period was just that, a late period. Four months is an incredibly small amount of time to spend with someone before deciding to raise a child together. However I am a firm believer in taking responsibility for my actions and luckily so was Emily's father.

However don't think for a second that everything was or has since been plain sailing. There have been quite a few hairy moments, arguments in the wee small hours that could have made us or broke us. That's what they say, or at least it's what my mother has always told me, a baby (or children) will find the cracks in a relationship and split them open into such gapingly, wide holes that you would struggle to see the other side with a telescope. I now, finally, understand what she means.

A baby will take you to the very edge of your sanity and just a little bit beyond. They will test your strength, courage and endurance. They will try to break you in any number of obvious and not so obvious ways and they will do it all because they know no other way. This reality will send you spiraling into the self doubting, forever forgetting, completely disorganised phase that is the next ... years of your life. Where your social life or spontaneously passionate sex is a thing of the past. You will remember with fondness the days when you could shower in peace, get a good 8 hours of undisturbed sleep and sit down to enjoy a lovely meal that doesn't result in indigestion because you had to eat it so quickly.

So is it worth it? In the words of Mr BIG 'Abso fu*king lutely'. My daughter is my saving grace, she is the person that I was always missing but never knew. She is the most amazing gift and I am the luckiest person in the world.

However it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do! So if I can share my experiences with the world then it might help to make others feel like they are not so alone or at the very least it will help me to let it all out once in a while. Must go now, the baby monitor is starting to light up which can only mean one thing...

1 comment:

  1. Hey Anna, this is a great blog. If this had been around years ago, I could tell a few tales too, to make your hair curl. Good on ya...I'll be following with great interest. You write well.
    Christina. xxx