You ever have one of those days where everything feels wrong and out of place? A day where you don't know where to start and what to do? Well I'm having one of those, except it's in the form of a year!
Some days my life is relatively mundane, Emily and I go about our routine with an air of nonchalance. We eat, we play, we take a stroll, she has a nap and I dream of napping whilst up to my eyeballs in housework. These are the days that fill the gaps in between. Then there are the days when my life resembles an episode of Eastenders, without the east London accent of course! I am in essence, perpetually trapped in a misery of my own making.
I am not sure when or how I lost my way but it has been lost, that I know for sure. Most days I feel like I am only existing at half measure. Like potentially I have so much more to give, appreciate and experience but I cannot access it. The door has been closed off and I am groping about in the dark trying to find the handle.
There is a sadness that envelopes me, it surrounds me and I cannot hide from it. It follows me, like a shadow, always there. Only some notice, those closest to me, or correction those who know me best. You can share a life with someone, a house, a bed and not really see them or their sadness or maybe you see their sadness but you refuse to acknowledge it as it may threaten your existence, your happiness.
This sadness comes from loneliness that I have felt for such a long time. Although as a mother (parent) you are never really alone in body, your child/children will always be a source of comfort, entertainment, inspiration, worry and concern. You can be alone in mind and there are other forms of comfort and love that we require as adults and people. When these are lacking then what happens?
There are times when I feel strong enough, when I think I may have the courage to throw caution to the wind and change what needs to be changed but most of the time I am just weary, caught in a situation that suits my immediate needs. Too scared or tired or both to change anything.
I hope for a change, Sometimes I even pray for it (although I am not remotely religious). I want to feel happy again! And there are moments, short periods of time when I do, when I am with the right people, the people that can make me smile, when I think anything might be possible. I allow myself to dream and to imagine a life lived to it's full potential. In contentment and surrounded by the people that truly know me, that always have and will always love me for who I am and have always been. That is my wish...it's what I hold on to.