All parents know that having a child changes your life. But sometimes some of us fail to appreciate how much of our lives we lose in them and how much of our future is invested in them.
The person I was before no longer exists this I know. Occasionally I imagine that I could once again play out that person be 'just Anna' but in reality I know that won't ever be the case. Which is okay, I learnt a long time ago to accept that and it's no real sacrifice for the sake of having Emily in my life. She's worth the identity crisis!
So now I am a mother that takes precedence over all else in my life and everything I do or don't do comes back to this in the end. People may tell you it doesn't but truly it always does! I go to University for me, so I can get a degree to better my life but do you want to know what I always say, when asked, are my main reasons for wanting to better my life? Yes that's right for my daughter, to make her life better and make her proud of me! I will always be judged on it, known for it and the words mummy, mum or mother will be said a million times more in a year than my own name. I will be defined by it while I study, when I start work, in my relationships, my friendships. It may even define whether I am loved or not loved.
So what happens when becoming a mother means the person that's meant to love you stops loving you? Or maybe they realise that they do love you but by the time they do it's too late. And then everyone that comes after may only love you depending on this fact, you being a mother or how they can relate to you as mother, not just a women or another person. You are never just yourself ever again. You aren't complete without this part of you being right there out in the light for everyone to see and so you are never again loved for just you I guess. Interesting...
Ironically the only people that may actually love me for being just me are my daughter and of course my own mother but then she knows the score.
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Friday, 23 November 2012
Motherhood!
I hate meal times! Well correction, I hate meal times with Emily!
For the last 2+ years, every single meal time has been a fight. I get indigestion just at the thought of having to sit down and try and persuade Emily to eat something. It's not that Emily doesn't eat, it's just that all she wants to do is (what I call) graze. Fruit, yoghurts, crackers and cheese, cereal, toast, etc...But nothing in the form of an actually meal unless it's for anyone other than me and then she will basically eat whatever is put in front of her as the nursery take delight in telling me each time I collect her! I suppose I should be grateful that she at least eats proper meals some of the time.
I try not to make a big deal out of it, I ignore it, I refuse to give her anything else to eat if she won't eat her tea, I shout at her or cajole her, I get her to cook with me. I try everything, everything and nothing works. I know it's a battle of wills but I feel like I'm losing all the time. The worst thing is that unlike other difficult situations that arise with children I don't feel able to push this one because I'm terrified I will make her weird about food. I keep hoping she will grow out of it but we are coming up for three years of this and sometimes I just want to cry! In fact honestly sometimes I have cried.
Every so often I give up on the whole meal fiasco and I just allow her to graze which makes us both happy but then I start feeling inadequate because my daughter won't sit and eat a meal for me, so we start the whole process again. It's exhausting!
I think in all honestly I am exhausted right now, some days I feel like I'm walking through treacle! I want to be a good mum, I want to be a good student, I want to find the time to clean my house for god sake! I want to stop worrying about money all the time and manage a full nights sleep without waking up in a panic about something but most of all I just want my daughter to stop fighting me on everything (or at least most days it feels that way)!
Take last weekend for instance, I decided to take her up town to see the lights switched on and she spent all her time running off into massive crowds of people, moaning or crying! The final straw was when she had a massive tantrum in the middle of the main street. I could have quite happily left her there and all I was trying to do was something nice! Mentally I know she is only three years old, she is like all other three year old but emotionally it's hard and I feel alone, tired and fed up. I know I'm not alone but it doesn't half feel like it sometimes. I apologise to my readers and I appreciate that I am moaning about life. This is just how it is and I get that but sometimes I have to let it all out or else I think I might go mad. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Right I feel a little better now thanks...ha ha ha :) So much for the carefree student life, I think that bit passed me by!
And as I finished writing this blog my beautiful daughter passed me an envelope whilst singing happy birthday (incidentally it is not my birthday today) and this is what was inside.
For the last 2+ years, every single meal time has been a fight. I get indigestion just at the thought of having to sit down and try and persuade Emily to eat something. It's not that Emily doesn't eat, it's just that all she wants to do is (what I call) graze. Fruit, yoghurts, crackers and cheese, cereal, toast, etc...But nothing in the form of an actually meal unless it's for anyone other than me and then she will basically eat whatever is put in front of her as the nursery take delight in telling me each time I collect her! I suppose I should be grateful that she at least eats proper meals some of the time.
I try not to make a big deal out of it, I ignore it, I refuse to give her anything else to eat if she won't eat her tea, I shout at her or cajole her, I get her to cook with me. I try everything, everything and nothing works. I know it's a battle of wills but I feel like I'm losing all the time. The worst thing is that unlike other difficult situations that arise with children I don't feel able to push this one because I'm terrified I will make her weird about food. I keep hoping she will grow out of it but we are coming up for three years of this and sometimes I just want to cry! In fact honestly sometimes I have cried.
Every so often I give up on the whole meal fiasco and I just allow her to graze which makes us both happy but then I start feeling inadequate because my daughter won't sit and eat a meal for me, so we start the whole process again. It's exhausting!
I think in all honestly I am exhausted right now, some days I feel like I'm walking through treacle! I want to be a good mum, I want to be a good student, I want to find the time to clean my house for god sake! I want to stop worrying about money all the time and manage a full nights sleep without waking up in a panic about something but most of all I just want my daughter to stop fighting me on everything (or at least most days it feels that way)!
Take last weekend for instance, I decided to take her up town to see the lights switched on and she spent all her time running off into massive crowds of people, moaning or crying! The final straw was when she had a massive tantrum in the middle of the main street. I could have quite happily left her there and all I was trying to do was something nice! Mentally I know she is only three years old, she is like all other three year old but emotionally it's hard and I feel alone, tired and fed up. I know I'm not alone but it doesn't half feel like it sometimes. I apologise to my readers and I appreciate that I am moaning about life. This is just how it is and I get that but sometimes I have to let it all out or else I think I might go mad. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Right I feel a little better now thanks...ha ha ha :) So much for the carefree student life, I think that bit passed me by!
And as I finished writing this blog my beautiful daughter passed me an envelope whilst singing happy birthday (incidentally it is not my birthday today) and this is what was inside.
So despite all of the above I do love being a mum, really I do, even if it's blo*dy hard work sometimes!!
Sunday, 14 October 2012
It's been a while...
Wow I realised today that I haven't written in quite some time!
Life has been a little hectic recently and I currently feel like I am living about three different lives, simultaneously.
I am a mum, a student and have just started a new relationship. All of which are extremely important to me in different ways! As always Emily is my main priority and the focus in everything that I do but I have to say it is nice to have other things in my life. Things that feel like they are just for me!
University is extremely time consuming and intense, finding the energy to be fully committed to it whilst also being fully committed to Emily is challenging at times. I feel a little overstretched and being on my own adds to the weight of responsibility massively. However as always this was my choice and so I endeavour not to complain too much. I also appreciate how lucky I am to have the opportunity to re-train at this point in my life and I do it with Emily at the forefront of my mind always, as with everything that I do. In this instance ultimately my desire is to make a better life for the two of us and to make her proud of me.
My new relationship....
I won't talk too much about because 1) it's private and 2) I'm not sure my new boyfriend would like me discussing us so publicly (ha ha). However I will say this, I like having someone in my life that makes me smile constantly even when I don't always feel like smiling! It was unexpected but sometimes the best things in life are I think! I like the laughter, the fun and having someone to hold my hand while I sleep. Anyway I think I have probably already said too much ;)
Life has been a little hectic recently and I currently feel like I am living about three different lives, simultaneously.
I am a mum, a student and have just started a new relationship. All of which are extremely important to me in different ways! As always Emily is my main priority and the focus in everything that I do but I have to say it is nice to have other things in my life. Things that feel like they are just for me!
University is extremely time consuming and intense, finding the energy to be fully committed to it whilst also being fully committed to Emily is challenging at times. I feel a little overstretched and being on my own adds to the weight of responsibility massively. However as always this was my choice and so I endeavour not to complain too much. I also appreciate how lucky I am to have the opportunity to re-train at this point in my life and I do it with Emily at the forefront of my mind always, as with everything that I do. In this instance ultimately my desire is to make a better life for the two of us and to make her proud of me.
My new relationship....
I won't talk too much about because 1) it's private and 2) I'm not sure my new boyfriend would like me discussing us so publicly (ha ha). However I will say this, I like having someone in my life that makes me smile constantly even when I don't always feel like smiling! It was unexpected but sometimes the best things in life are I think! I like the laughter, the fun and having someone to hold my hand while I sleep. Anyway I think I have probably already said too much ;)
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
Occupational Therapy...
So
last week was the end of an era! It was my last week as a full-time,
stay at home mum. As of next week I will be a full-time
mother/University student! This week...well I'm on holiday! Not
literally you understand but Emily has started nursery a week early,
to allow me time to collect my thoughts and organise this big change
in our lives.
As
of next Monday I will be enrolled as a full-time student O.T which
stands for...wait for it...Occupational Therapist.......(pause)
No,
I know you still don't know what I am talking about do you?! (sigh)
Having
a mother as an O.T has meant I have spent the last 31 years (well
okay maybe only 25 of those) trying to explain what exactly an O.T is
and what it is that they do! On the rare occasion these two words are
met with vague recognition and not a glazed expression I am overjoyed
at the prospect that maybe the person I am dealing with might
possibly know what an Occupational Therapist is! And upon meeting
someone within the health care profession that does know what an O.T
is I am practically nauseous with excitement! Sad I know but I lead a
rather un-rock n roll lifestyle these days so it doesn't take much to
excite me!
So
okay for all you people out there that do not know what it is an
Occupational Therapist does the COT (College of Occupational Therapy)
describes it as follows:
"Occupational
therapists view people as occupational beings. People are
intrinsically active and creative, needing to engage in a balanced
range of activities in their daily lives in order to maintain health
and wellbeing. People shape, and are shaped by, their experiences and
interactions with their environments. They create identity and
meaning through what they do and have the capacity to transform
themselves through premeditated and autonomous action.
The purpose of occupational therapy is to enable people to fulfil, or to work towards fulfilling, their potential as occupational beings. Occupational therapists promote function, quality of life and the realisation of potential in people who are experiencing occupational deprivation, imbalance or alienation. They believe that activity can be an effective medium for remediating dysfunction, facilitating adaptation and recreating identity."
Still
confused?!
Basically
think of anything that you do on a daily basis, bathing, dressing,
walking down the stairs, leaving the house, going to work...anything
at all. Now imagine for whatever reason you couldn't perform that
task anymore. For example you had an accident, developed a mental
illness, were brain damaged, had a stroke, were diagnosed with
a debilitating disease or maybe you were born with a
disability that means you were never able to perform that task
without assistance in the first place. Well that is what O.T's are
for and no not to do it for you but to provide you with the support
you need to either help you perform that task again or adapt your
life around the fact that you cannot do that task alone and unaided
anymore. They provide people with the necessary tools, whether that
is re-teaching tasks, breaking them down into manageable steps,
teaching people how to cope with a change in environment and how that
change may effect their daily occupations or providing equipment or
adaptations to a person's property to enable them to live
more independently and more comfortably. So that is a
very basic explanation of what an O.T is and what they do but if you
remember that it will take me 3 years to qualify on a course that is
a mixture of Anatomy & Physiology, Psychology and Sociology. Then
you start to get an idea of the variety and scope of the job.
So I
don't expect anyone I know to ever ask me again what exactly it is an
Occupational Therapist does...is that understood?! Ha ha....
Friday, 17 August 2012
Leaving home...
I remember watching a sketch with comedian Michael Mcintyre, where he talks about the differences between people with children and people without. Hilarious! I laughed myself silly because obviously it was very funny but mostly because it was just so true! I relayed details of the sketch to one of my best mummy friends and she nearly wet herself in the middle of the street laughing so much!
One of the topics he covered was leaving the house. He said:
This is how people without children leave the house.
'Shall we leave the house?'
'Yes'
They exit the house.
(note the above will only be funny to people with children, those without will just shrug their shoulders and agree 'yes indeed this is how we leave the house'.)
He then goes on to explain in detail how he attempts to leave the house each and everyday. If you haven't seen it I recommend you watch it, very funny indeed! Michael Mcintyre Christmas Comedy Roadshow
So it occurred to me today, whilst running nearly half an hour late for my play date, that I couldn't recall it ever taking this long to leave the house before I had Emily. Admittedly I have got a lot better at it more recently, just after Emily was born I was lucky if I could make it out the house within 2 hours of when I said I would be leaving. It's still so hard though.
This morning, I was attempting to tidy up whilst getting myself dressed and ready to leave. Emily emptied the entire contents of her box of playmobile toys onto the lament floor in the lounge. Toys scattered everywhere. She then abandoned the toys in favour of pulling items off the book case. I must have asked her a dozen times to put on her shoes, she of course ignored me instead using her small pink table as a make shift ladder so she could gain access to the kitchen cupboard that contains a large pot of pick n mix left over from our trip to Legoland. She spilt her juice all over the sofa and herself so I had to get her completely undressed and re-dressed. I finally managed to wrestle her into her coat and shoes, we left the house. She ran off down the road whilst I was locking the door. I managed to get her back and into the car, strapped her into her seat whilst I returned to the house to retrieve her toothbrush because she hadn't brushed her teeth as I had asked. Then I had to go back into the house again because we needed baby wipes for her runny nose. By now I had locked and unlocked the door three times, it was 10.20 and we hadn't even left the street yet! We finally made it to soft play exactly 27 minutes after we said we would arrive. And sadly that might be a personal best for us!
One of the topics he covered was leaving the house. He said:
This is how people without children leave the house.
'Shall we leave the house?'
'Yes'
They exit the house.
(note the above will only be funny to people with children, those without will just shrug their shoulders and agree 'yes indeed this is how we leave the house'.)
He then goes on to explain in detail how he attempts to leave the house each and everyday. If you haven't seen it I recommend you watch it, very funny indeed! Michael Mcintyre Christmas Comedy Roadshow
So it occurred to me today, whilst running nearly half an hour late for my play date, that I couldn't recall it ever taking this long to leave the house before I had Emily. Admittedly I have got a lot better at it more recently, just after Emily was born I was lucky if I could make it out the house within 2 hours of when I said I would be leaving. It's still so hard though.
This morning, I was attempting to tidy up whilst getting myself dressed and ready to leave. Emily emptied the entire contents of her box of playmobile toys onto the lament floor in the lounge. Toys scattered everywhere. She then abandoned the toys in favour of pulling items off the book case. I must have asked her a dozen times to put on her shoes, she of course ignored me instead using her small pink table as a make shift ladder so she could gain access to the kitchen cupboard that contains a large pot of pick n mix left over from our trip to Legoland. She spilt her juice all over the sofa and herself so I had to get her completely undressed and re-dressed. I finally managed to wrestle her into her coat and shoes, we left the house. She ran off down the road whilst I was locking the door. I managed to get her back and into the car, strapped her into her seat whilst I returned to the house to retrieve her toothbrush because she hadn't brushed her teeth as I had asked. Then I had to go back into the house again because we needed baby wipes for her runny nose. By now I had locked and unlocked the door three times, it was 10.20 and we hadn't even left the street yet! We finally made it to soft play exactly 27 minutes after we said we would arrive. And sadly that might be a personal best for us!
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
Not measuring up!
Warning: Sorry
a rather self-absorbed, self-pitying blog this time I'm afraid! So I
suggest that if you think it will upset or anger you to read it that
you do not read it! To all that do decide to read it I apologise and
promise to make my next blog more upbeat and positive! x
As
a parent I have massive guilt, most of the time! And there are times
when I feel like I just don't measure up! I have moments of feeling
like a huge failure and I have to say that the last few months have
felt very much like this!
Emily
is going through a particularly difficult and extremely tiring stage.
She constantly questions everything that I say or ask of her, if she
listens at all to me in the first place. Everything involves some
sort of fight or argument, it's like a constant battle of wills and I
just don't have the energy to keep up with her and her constant
demands.
Most
days we are up at 6.30am and I spend the next 12 and a half hours
feeling like my head is gradually building up to explosion point!
I long for 7pm so I can take her to bed, even though bedtime in
itself is a fight. A fight to get her ready, to get her into bed and
to keep her there once she is in bed! I can't seem to keep my temper
and the smallest of things irritate me. I have been told that I am
miserable and not myself and is it any wonder really?!
I
really don't want my experiences of motherhood to be like this! When
I look around at people I know, people who are going through
extremely difficult situations it makes me feel guilty that
I am not coping better. Emily is here with me, whenever I want and
she is healthy and happy and that should be enough! And it is enough
but I am just so god damn tired all the time and don't feel like
there is anything left for me. I spend every night sat in, alone and
not able to do anything or go anywhere because Emily is in bed and
then weekend's mostly all I want to do is sleep to recover. I would
love to do something constructive with my time alone but I haven't
enough money or energy.
To
make it worse people are constantly telling me to enjoy this time I
have with Emily before I have to go to University but in all honestly
I cannot wait to get to University so we have a routine and there are
other people around to help me occupy her time and keep her
stimulated. She is as bright as a button and extremely quick which is
a joy and what every parent wants but it is truly exhausting
and makes me feel like I am just failing to keep her even remotely
entertained or stimulated.
I
know that being alone was my choice and it will take time to adjust
but I feel lost in a bit of a fog at the moment. I suppose no-one
ever said that motherhood was going to be easy and as people keep
telling me it won't get any easier, just different. I just hope
that eventually I will get better at dealing with it all or
at least stop feeling like such a big failure....
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
A picture is worth a thousand words...
...or so it is said.
"In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And darkness still inside you
Makes you feel so small."
For me pictures have always been important. They are a way to look back and remember a time, place or person that impacted on my life in some way. They are my memories.
So blogger readers I share my memories with you here today and I hope that they will make you smile. As the song says,
"In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And darkness still inside you
Makes you feel so small."
So at times like those it is good to remind yourself of all that is great in the world or at least in the world that is all yours!
Enjoy x
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